March 26, 2010

Mid-2o's Crisis!

Welcome to my blog!  I'm Isabel, a teacher by day and a couch potato dreamer by night.

So I've been doing some soul-searching for awhile now, feeling really lost as to who I am and what I want to accomplish with my life.  How and when will I feel successful with the life that I'm living?  I know "success" is different for everybody, so I guess success to me means being wanted for something only i can give. Or recognized for a specific talent that I can share to other people.  Sometimes, I measure success as simply having more than one strong friendship or really connecting with my students.  Ultimately, it comes down to my heart feeling like its missing some sort of connection.  Like my whole mind and body is off because something is missing.  I'm just lost.  And I strongly believe that I am keeping myself in this lost state.

Over the years, I have realized that I...
1) dream big
2) rarely follow through
3) have too many interests so I lack focus
4) talk myself out of too many things

Here's a good example:  I asked R. today if he was tired of me talking about photography all day.  He replied, "No. <pause> You'll just be talking about something else tomorrow." And he is so right!  See what I mean?

If I listed all the things I wanted to dapple in, it would look like this: (in no particular order)
- wedding photography
- lifestyle photography
- photo styling
- gardening
- cooking & baking
- interior designing
- graphic design
- magazines
- hosting

Funny enough, these are relatively the same thoughts I had when I was 8.  I used to say I would one day own a huge warehouse where it was split off into different sections and floors - one part for each of my loves. The sad part - I'm still dreaming about them, and not doing anything to get any results.  I read and know of so many people who are around my age or YOUNGER who have achieved creativity and are already successful.   I won't lie - jealousy strikes me hard while at the same time I get SO inspired and encouraged to just get off my ass and to go for it!  It's really strange; I feel rejuvenated yet dread.  There's like a pit in my stomach that tells me, "What's the point?  You don't have the personality to be successful in photographing people.  You don't have the "eye" for pulling rooms together.  Who is going to care about your straight-out-of-the-camera shots when everyone is going digital?"  It's quite a battle within.  I am keeping myself from living my life to the fullest!!!  ICK!!! 

So, I'm blogging and sharing my likes in hopes that one or two will turn into LOVES and will give me some clarity and passion.  Passionate things still take WORK, so here I am - working it :)  I would love for you to join me in the process!

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Voice in my head

"Be a first-rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else"

"Don't judge your insides by others' outsides"